STOP PRESS: GP notes to be spell checked

Following the recent heinous abuse of apostrophes, the Care Quantity Commission have today announced the latest in a line of measures to inspect poor spelling and grammar in the notes of general practitioners. With our increased funding we will now extract all data from electronic notes with the help of HSCICIC and run them through a spell checker.

A spokesman released this statement:
“We were get increasing numbers of complaints, sometimes as many as 3 per year nationally, from patients copied into referral letters, or should I say referrla? If doctors don’t have the time or inclination to type properly or spell check their entries, then perhaps they should consider a different career? Sloppy spelling and grammar represents sloppy care.”

If the Genital Pacifiers Committee could spell “incandescent” they would have made a press release. But they couldn’t and they didn’t.

More when we have it…

STOP PRESS: Hot drinks banned in GP surgeries

Following the news that staff are to be banned from drinking on the wards at a Leicester Hospital the Care Quantity Commission have today announced details of their latest plans to ban the consumption of hot drinks by GPs and practice nurses at their desks.

A spokesman told us, “The latest microbiological evidence, from a trial involving 11 mugs from a surgery in Wakefield, show that mugs harbour all sorts of infection. And it’s clear we all know that the mouth is the dirtiest part of the body. And what would happen if any was spilled onto a wipe-clean floor? It could really compromise patient safety and care.”

GPs asked to provide letters that certify patients are alive

In a bizarre twist due to a computer glitch in the computer at the Dept for Worry and Pensions, people are being asked to get a note from their GP to prove they are alive and eligible for benefits.

A spokesman said, “How else could we know that the person in front of us is alive?”

STOP PRESS: DH proposes catheter for GP retention crisis

It has emerged in the last few hours that the Deportment of Healthiness have hatched a new, yet flawed plan to tackle issues with GP retention. Health minister Baron Why told our investigator, “With my extensive knowledge of health care and medicine it is my understanding that retention is cured a catheter. We shall therefore be passing a catheter into general practice.”

Opposition spokesman Burny Andrew remarked, “Just what does he hope to use as Instillagel?”

Politician-slayer, Georgie de Stephanio tweeted, “Is this some kind of joke?” whilst an unnamed member of a white middle class focus group told us, “I think that GPs need a catheter. What is a catheter, by the way?”

STOP PRESS: GPs tell peers to stop whining about how hard it is to be in House of Lords

In a new development, GPs from around the country are urging peers of the realm to stop complaining about what a difficult job it is being an Earl and finding fault with commoners.

“Don’t they realise that if they court the press and spend time meddling no-one is ever going to want to be a peer. What would happen if people stopped sucking up in order to get knighted?” asked one GP who refused to be named, “perhaps peers should just stick to ensuring the upper house keeps an eye on the legislative process, instead of complaining how much their ermine itches?”

STOP PRESS: CQC to monitor GP sleep patterns

Evidence emerged yesterday that the Care Quantity Commission plan to monitor the sleep patterns of GPs to ensure that patients were not being put at risk by GPs sleeping less than 8 hours a night.

“We can’t all be Margaret Thatcher,” said chief inspector Steve Meadow, enviously, “and those with children who wake in the night will have to get locums.”

Further plans include the banning of remote access to practice computer systems should GPs try to do paperwork at home and work beyond the allowed 12 hours a day.

Meadow added, “I see no reason why GPs can’t get all their work done the course a working day. If I had my way I would ban evening CPD groups and internet discussion groups as well; we don’t need GPs thinking about work the time.”

GP representatives were busy counting up the number of hours they had worked before calculating whether they were permitted to discuss a work-related issue.