STOP PRESS: GPs to be catheterised so they don’t leave their desks

Today Notional Health Service England announced that they have agreed a deal with the Generic Practice Committee of the British Medicines Association to crowbar in a new compulsory Enhanced Service for GPs. Practices that refuse to do “routine” home visits at the request of the patient will now be expected to catheterise 50% of their doctors to enable them to remain at their desk to answer phone calls from social workers, schools, health visitors, district nurses, lollipop ladies and patients without taking a break to nip to the toilet.

A spokesperson told us, “We were considering compulsory nasogastric feeds for GPs so that they could work 12 hour shifts without needing to eat, but decided to that it might be off-putting to patients. And really, their needs and desires come first.”

The Royal Collage of Generic Practitioners was unavailable for comment as it was too busy polishing unmentionable body parts of the health secretary at their Anal Conference. Members of the Generic Practice Committee are said to be “seething”. An anonymous member, managed to string a few words together through clenched teeth, “I can’t believe they wouldn’t let us have convenes, the bastards.”

More to follow, when we have it…

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