Government shelves plan to appoint jar of marmite as Health Secretary

In an exclusive leak a senior civil servant told undercover reporters that plans to replace Homeopathy Hunt with a jar of marmite have been rejected by cabinet ministers and advisers to Dave.

“We realised that the cognitive dissonance that would occur for approximately 50% of NHS employees trying to love and hate the new Secretary of state at the same time would be too much of a strain on frontline services. It has been concluded that marmite won’t cut A&E attendances.

“The current incumbent is still brown, sticky and difficult to spread on toast or remove from your shoe, so there is no real need to change. Only difference is, no-one loves him.”

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